Contest #221

FAMILY CHRISTMAS PROJECT
"I didn't know your sister was a cellist!"
"What goes on in the kitchen, stays ...."
"She used to play at the Russian Tea Room."
"YoYo Ma cancelled at the last minute, but Mary stepped in."
"Do we need to tip her out?"
"I've said for years the song works better in 'D' Minor."
"WTF?"
"It's a fish reunion gig."
"Oh my, the drama of the daily catch."
"Is all of Europe like this?"
"Duck, Duck, Goose was always my favorite."
"Culinary artists, creative juices flowing, with nude cello."
"That catch of the day can be a wild ride."

Contest #220

"Clever indeed, but I'm still ordering the enema."

Contest #219

"There be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on, Sir."

Contest #218

The New Yorker picked:

1. "So you're the infamous Sudsy Malone."
   Submitted by Dave Barber, Columbus, Ohio
   
2. "Couldn't you just have had a last-meal request like everyone else?"
   Submitted by William Babula, Santa Rosa, Calif.
   
3. "It says Martha Stewart once lived here."
   Submitted by Laurence Lytton, New York, N.Y.

Contest #217

"Look, I've embraced your stay-cation concept."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "Don't worry, I ate lunch more than an hour ago."
   Submitted by Michael Cianfrani, San Francisco, Calif.
   
2. "My wife won't let me put one in the back yard."
   Submitted by Claude Lempereur, Levittown, N.Y.
   
3. "Make yourself useful—fake some Russian and hold up a 9.9."
   Submitted by Christopher Rulff, St. Paul, Minn.

Contest #216

"Sorry, I couldn't tell exactly what you were dreaming about."

Contest #215

"And, finally, may I remind you... no biting, hitting below the belt, or stepping on me."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "And, in this corner, also hailing from Chernobyl..."
   Submitted by Tim Herbert, Plainfield, N.H.
   
2. "Very funny. Now give me the microphone."
   Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.
   
3. "But, first, a word on foot odor."
   Submitted by Mike Egan, Syracuse, N.Y.

Contest #214

"You want to know about snow days?"
"Frankly, you're not head AND shoulders above your competition."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "I'm afraid we need to make more cuts."
   Submitted by David Kessler, New York, N.Y.
   
2. "Please use a coaster."
   Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.
   
3. "I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement."
   Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.

Contest #213

"I'm not loving your topic sentence."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "They ignored your first ten. What makes you think you'll do any better with these?"
   Submitted by Bob Silverstein, Scarsdale, N.Y.
   
2. "Dear ... diary ... She's ... finally ... asleep.... Oops."
   Submitted by William DiDio, White Plains, N.Y.
   
3. "It needs a feisty female detective."
   Submitted by Lee Neville, Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Contest #209

"So I sez to the guy, go ahead, how deep can it be!"

The New Yorker picked:

1. "Don't worry, he's covered by Aflac."
   Submitted by Grant Tate, Charlottesville, Va.
   
2. “Thank God, Fashion Week is over.”
   Submitted by Dan Leciejewski, Walton, Ky.
   
3. "We all deal with divorce in our own way."
   Submitted by Tom Horacek, Richmond, B.C.

Contest #208

"But I thought you said either oar!"

The New Yorker picked:

1. “American car companies just can't make a decent hybrid.”
   Submitted by Eric Prestemon, Sunnyvale, Calif.
   
2. “This would work out a lot better if we had kids.”
   Submitted by Michael Fossel, Hartford, Conn.
   
3. “You know, everyone laughed at Noah, too.”
   Submitted by Rachel Pleasant Chambliss, Lakeland, Fla.

Contest #201

"My office is like the weather, so don't storm in here."

Contest #200

"I think he's seriously pissed at you."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "Sir, the competition is here to discuss the merger."
   Submitted by Tom Alburn, Wrightsville, Pa.
   
2. "Oh, yeah, we go way back."
   Submitted by Patricia Radosevich-Coia, Reno, Nev.
   
3. "He says he is known by many names."
   Submitted by George Nikas, Avondale Estates, Ga.

Contest #198

"Don't you think we should pick up dames later?"

The New Yorker picked:

1. "That’s smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunk.”
   Submitted by David Wilkner, Pawtucket, R.I.
   
2. "The instructions should have mentioned that you need a body of water.”
   Submitted by Peter Bleyleben, Chestnut Hill, Mass.
   
3. "What do you mean you don't remember? Either he sleeps with the fishes or he don't."
   Submitted by Tim Wibert, Okemos, Mich.

Contest #196

"They're recent graduates of the Wharton School."

The New Yorker picked

1. “O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.”
   Submitted by Todd Bearson, Arlington, Mass.
   
2. “The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”
   Submitted by Brad Hodges, Dungannon, Ontario
   
3. “Relax, for them it's publish and perish.”
   Submitted by David Burns, Needham, Mass.

Contest #193

"I, unlike you, have never been on this end before."

Contest #192

"I'm SO excited to guest as your bimbo foil tonight!

Contest #190

Contest #189

"You should not drive or operate heavy machinery."

Contest #188

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, What ever happened to Country Joe."

Contest #185

Contest #184

"They didn't answer in the form of a question."

Contest #183

"Ironically, you performed better in that bedroom."

Contest #182

"Excuse me, the felines are going vertical again."

Contest #181

"I suppose it's standard Classical fare, but we're still thinking inside the box these days."

Contest #180

"I'd say Workingman's Dead is my favorite."

Contest #179

"Mr. Obama was quite persuasive about affordable health care."

Contest #178

"Joni Mitchell called me a rambler and a gambler
and a sweet-talkin' ladies man, but the judge called me a crook."

Contest #177

"Let's put it this way, balance might be a secondary issue for you."

Contest #176

"Justice can be messy."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

1. "For a divorce case, that went smoothly."
   Submitted by Ann Seger, Chicago, IL
   
2. "Sorry about that—new gavel."
   Submitted by Tommy Bryant, Cochran, GA
   
3. "This is what I get for convicting the janitor."
   Submitted by Sita Chandrika Palepu, New York, NY

Contest #175

"He's fluent in fifteen sports."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "In this economy, you have to let the vacation come to you."
   Submitted by Michael Soskis of Cambridge, MA
   
2. "He has recreational A.D.D."
   Submitted by Mark Kane of Bayside, NY
   
3. "He's pretty much up for anything."
   Submitted by Kevin Kozee of Marietta, GA

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

from the incredibly witty folks at johnnyktoons