Contest #182

"Excuse me, the felines are going vertical again."

Contest #181

"I suppose it's standard Classical fare, but we're still thinking inside the box these days."

Contest #180

"I'd say Workingman's Dead is my favorite."

Contest #179

"Mr. Obama was quite persuasive about affordable health care."

Contest #178

"Joni Mitchell called me a rambler and a gambler
and a sweet-talkin' ladies man, but the judge called me a crook."

Contest #177

"Let's put it this way, balance might be a secondary issue for you."

Contest #176

"Justice can be messy."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

1. "For a divorce case, that went smoothly."
   Submitted by Ann Seger, Chicago, IL
   
2. "Sorry about that—new gavel."
   Submitted by Tommy Bryant, Cochran, GA
   
3. "This is what I get for convicting the janitor."
   Submitted by Sita Chandrika Palepu, New York, NY

Contest #175

"He's fluent in fifteen sports."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "In this economy, you have to let the vacation come to you."
   Submitted by Michael Soskis of Cambridge, MA
   
2. "He has recreational A.D.D."
   Submitted by Mark Kane of Bayside, NY
   
3. "He's pretty much up for anything."
   Submitted by Kevin Kozee of Marietta, GA

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

from the incredibly witty folks at johnnyktoons

Contest #174

"Don't you sometimes just want to sleep in?"

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "I want to live at my dad's."
   Submitted by Sean Delaney of Stanardsville, VA
   
2. "No, thanks—I only eat them on reality shows."
   Submitted by Sean Lee of Brooklyn, NY
   
3. "Am I in your dream or are you in mine?"
   Submitted by Joe Sherlock of Omaha, NE

Contest #173

"Competence. Bah, humbug !

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "Who would have thought they'd actually give money to a bank!"
   Submitted by Michael Jensen of New Rochelle, N.Y.
   
2. "At the next bailout, let's also ask for a pony."
   Submitted by Lynn Tudor of New York, N.Y.
   
3. "Did you send your thank-you card to Congress?"
   Submitted by Harvey Kaslow of Pasadena, Calif.

Contest #171

"They're seasonally popular - synchronized high-kick gams."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "I'd suggest you keep them away from the gingerbread men."
   Submitted by Vincent Coca, Staten Island, N.Y.
   
2. "It's not disturbing until someone wants to buy them by the ounce."
   Submitted by Steve Arrowood, Oceanside, Calif.
   
3. "I did the choreography myself."
   Submitted by Donovan Reeve, Ypsilanti, Mich.

(jk: I'm sorry, but I disagree!)

Contest #170

"I decided to cash in my 401(k) while it was still worth something."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "I miss the cash bonuses."
   Submitted by Robert Becker of Northford, CT
   
2. "I am useless until I have my morning turkey."
   Submitted by Corey Lowney of Wappingers Falls, NY
   
3. "I was actually hoping for a boy."
   Submitted by Antonia Boyette of Los Angeles, CA

Contest #169

"I'm so into flying Southwest."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "What makes you think I wouldn't be up for sushi?"
   Submitted by Neal Svalstad, El Cajon, Calif.
   
2. "Remember the Alamo—now, that was a foreclosure!"
   Submitted by David Blume, New York, N.Y.
   
3. "I can't say for sure, but I think the airline mixed up my luggage."
   Submitted by Mark Ashton, Elmhurst, Ill.

Contest #168

Contest #159

"Because it's IMPORTANT!"

Hump you very much....

Contest #158

Contest #157

"We call it highest definition."

Contest #156

So, my haberdasher says, "You've got the ankles for them, Marvin, go for it!"

Contest #155

"I know you hate Kansas, honey, that's why we're all here."

Contest #154

"Alas, we were a complicit board."

Contest #152

"Marco!"

Contest #151

"The college boards is our Super Bowl."

Contest #149

"I thought I'd might as well go ahead and JUMP for your love."

Contest #148

"Did the perpetrator have any unique characteristics, Ma'am?

Contest #147

"Objection. Mammal.

Contest #146

"It says here that you're easily drawn.

Contest #145

Contest #143

Contest #142

"This is me. Anyone wanna share a cab up to accounting?"

Contest #136

"Sage advice, you old bird, to spend our stimulus checks on Hillary."

Contest #135

Contest #134

"You've lost that lovin' feeling, whoa, that lovin' feeling."

Contest #133

"Hey, how 'bout them Giants!"

Contest #132

Contest #131

"Looks like no golf today, honey."

Contest #130

"I've had worse suitors."

Contest #129

"I think he's just a metaphor."

Contest #128

" I suppose they could have mentioned it."
"Yes, I have."
"Remember when he was just a little guy, relatively speaking?"

Contest #127

"I swear, I've not seen a sole, Officer."

Contest #126

"Hey, I've only got twenties, do you have a ten and two fives?"

Contest #125

"Joe Torre had incentives in his contract, Honey."
My advisors feel that position warrants additional compensation, Honey.

Contest #123

Contest #121

Contest #118

"Cloud Nine certainly does't live up to the hype, does it?"
"But at least you got to the playoffs."

.

Contest #112

"Perhaps it's the merlot, but I suddenly feel like the last guest at Phil's parties."

Email from the New Yorker re: cartoons....

Greetings again, captioneers! Make this guy laugh, and you’re halfway to winning the cartoon caption contest …Well, not quite halfway, but closer. So, as a public service, what follows is an introduction to, and a little “Q. & A.” with, the new Assistant to the Cartoon Editor, Farley Katz. Our topic— the art and science of choosing winning captions. Who knows? The next winner might be yours. Good luck! See you in The New Yorker, Michael Shaw

Question and Answer with Farley Katz

Q. Name and job title?
A. My name is Farley Katz and I am the Assistant to the Cartoon Editor (that would be Bob Mankoff).

Q. (Have to ask) Were your parents big fans of Farley Granger?
A. Huge fans. Why?

Q. So am I! Small world. Any biographical information you’d care to divulge?
A. I grew up in San Antonio, TX and am now 22 years old. My previous jobs include a roller coaster operator at Six Flags, and a telemarketer (until they made telemarketing illegal). I plan to work here until they make caption contests illegal, sometime later this year.

Q. What are the main duties of the Assistant to the Cartoon Editor?
A. Bob makes me read all the cartoons he deems "too funny" to protect him from laughing attacks.
Also Xeroxing. A whole lot of Xeroxing.

Q. Interesting. Are you also the primary gatekeeper for the Caption Contest?
A. That’s correct. Every week we receive between 6,000 and 10,000 captions for each cartoon. And I read them all. I’m reading one even as we speak…”No Mrs. Feldspar, I’m interested in your mind, not your shoe size.” Hmmm...good but not great.

Q. Did your predecessor or Bob give you any advice when looking through the responses?
A. My predecessor stared me in the eyes and warned me that reading too many captions in one sitting could make a man crazy. Oh, and also to "pick the funny ones."

Q. After a while isn’t it difficult to decide what’s funny? Do you say to yourself—“#4,347, sort of funny. #4,348—sort of but not quite funny enough?”
A. I've developed a system of sorting algorithms that allows a laptop to pick the finalists without any human input.

Q. Really?
A. Yes and no. What actually happens is that when each entry is received it’s sorted by keywords. The keywords are grouped into 5 or 6 categories. Then I sort through all the one-liners, zingers, gags, goofs and gaffes, looking for the very best—which I pass on to Bob.

Q. Uh…you had me, and then you lost me.
A. Take, for example, a recent contest cartoon depicting crash test dummies. All entered captions were broken into keyword groups like “insurance,” “driving,” “crashing.” So at that point it’s easier to read them and make the best choice.

Q. What if I decide to send in a caption in Esperanto?
A. All the unique captions are grouped together in a category we call “Huh?" "Huh?" captions have indeed made the finals. No Esperanto yet, though.

Q. Have you experienced "caption fatigue" yet?
A. Caption fatigue is a serious problem. I like to combat it by drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee and by reading the captions aloud in a fast, high-pitched voice.

Q. What happens after you pass the 50 or 60 semi-finalists onto the second round?
A. That’s when Bob Mankoff, as Cartoon Editor, summons his decades of expertise in the science of humor and chooses the three finalists. Then David Remnick, as Editor of The New Yorker, reviews the final three to ensure that even Eustace Tilley would grin slightly when reading the entries. Then I take a nap under my desk. It’s from these three finalists that we invite our readers to choose a winner.

Q. Did you ever enter the caption contest before joining the home office?
A. I entered the contest once and they didn't choose my caption. But that's all going to change now because I can't enter anymore because it's against the rules.

Q. You weren’t a Canadian citizen at the time you entered the contest, were you?
A. No.

Q. (aside) Whew! Good. If a contestant added the name "Farley" to their caption, would that help? Or if they left a little message before the caption, like "Hi, Farley! How's it going?"
A. The only way to make sure your caption passes the cut is by writing the funniest one.

Q. Finally, in the spirit of full disclosure, you're a cartoonist correct? And if you get a cartoon in the caption contest before I do, I'll be really depressed.
A. I am a cartoonist too and hope to one day be published in the magazine.

So when send in your caption this week, take a moment and ask yourself “What would Farley do?” Probably drink more coffee. Good luck!

Contest #110

Contest #108

Contest #104

"Heaven used to be so safe back in the day."

Contest #103

Contest #102

"He revels in the role of Pompous Master."

Contest #101

"I too live my life on the edge, but I choose to do it metaphorically - in lingerie."