Contest #174

"Don't you sometimes just want to sleep in?"

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "I want to live at my dad's."
   Submitted by Sean Delaney of Stanardsville, VA
   
2. "No, thanks—I only eat them on reality shows."
   Submitted by Sean Lee of Brooklyn, NY
   
3. "Am I in your dream or are you in mine?"
   Submitted by Joe Sherlock of Omaha, NE

Contest #173

"Competence. Bah, humbug !

Here's what The New Yorker selected:
1. "Who would have thought they'd actually give money to a bank!"
   Submitted by Michael Jensen of New Rochelle, N.Y.
   
2. "At the next bailout, let's also ask for a pony."
   Submitted by Lynn Tudor of New York, N.Y.
   
3. "Did you send your thank-you card to Congress?"
   Submitted by Harvey Kaslow of Pasadena, Calif.

Contest #171

"They're seasonally popular - synchronized high-kick gams."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "I'd suggest you keep them away from the gingerbread men."
   Submitted by Vincent Coca, Staten Island, N.Y.
   
2. "It's not disturbing until someone wants to buy them by the ounce."
   Submitted by Steve Arrowood, Oceanside, Calif.
   
3. "I did the choreography myself."
   Submitted by Donovan Reeve, Ypsilanti, Mich.

(jk: I'm sorry, but I disagree!)

Contest #170

"I decided to cash in my 401(k) while it was still worth something."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "I miss the cash bonuses."
   Submitted by Robert Becker of Northford, CT
   
2. "I am useless until I have my morning turkey."
   Submitted by Corey Lowney of Wappingers Falls, NY
   
3. "I was actually hoping for a boy."
   Submitted by Antonia Boyette of Los Angeles, CA

Contest #169

"I'm so into flying Southwest."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

1. "What makes you think I wouldn't be up for sushi?"
   Submitted by Neal Svalstad, El Cajon, Calif.
   
2. "Remember the Alamo—now, that was a foreclosure!"
   Submitted by David Blume, New York, N.Y.
   
3. "I can't say for sure, but I think the airline mixed up my luggage."
   Submitted by Mark Ashton, Elmhurst, Ill.

Contest #168

Contest #159

"Because it's IMPORTANT!"

Hump you very much....

Contest #158

Contest #157

"We call it highest definition."

Contest #156

So, my haberdasher says, "You've got the ankles for them, Marvin, go for it!"

Contest #155

"I know you hate Kansas, honey, that's why we're all here."

Contest #154

"Alas, we were a complicit board."

Contest #152

"Marco!"

Contest #151

"The college boards is our Super Bowl."

Contest #149

"I thought I'd might as well go ahead and JUMP for your love."

Contest #148

"Did the perpetrator have any unique characteristics, Ma'am?

Contest #147

"Objection. Mammal.

Contest #146

"It says here that you're easily drawn.

Contest #145

Contest #143

Contest #142

"This is me. Anyone wanna share a cab up to accounting?"

Contest #136

"Sage advice, you old bird, to spend our stimulus checks on Hillary."

Contest #135

Contest #134

"You've lost that lovin' feeling, whoa, that lovin' feeling."

Contest #133

"Hey, how 'bout them Giants!"

Contest #132

Contest #131

"Looks like no golf today, honey."

Contest #130

"I've had worse suitors."

Contest #129

"I think he's just a metaphor."

Contest #128

" I suppose they could have mentioned it."
"Yes, I have."
"Remember when he was just a little guy, relatively speaking?"