Contest #218

The New Yorker picked:

1. "So you're the infamous Sudsy Malone."
   Submitted by Dave Barber, Columbus, Ohio
   
2. "Couldn't you just have had a last-meal request like everyone else?"
   Submitted by William Babula, Santa Rosa, Calif.
   
3. "It says Martha Stewart once lived here."
   Submitted by Laurence Lytton, New York, N.Y.

Contest #217

"Look, I've embraced your stay-cation concept."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "Don't worry, I ate lunch more than an hour ago."
   Submitted by Michael Cianfrani, San Francisco, Calif.
   
2. "My wife won't let me put one in the back yard."
   Submitted by Claude Lempereur, Levittown, N.Y.
   
3. "Make yourself useful—fake some Russian and hold up a 9.9."
   Submitted by Christopher Rulff, St. Paul, Minn.

Contest #216

"Sorry, I couldn't tell exactly what you were dreaming about."

Contest #215

"And, finally, may I remind you... no biting, hitting below the belt, or stepping on me."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "And, in this corner, also hailing from Chernobyl..."
   Submitted by Tim Herbert, Plainfield, N.H.
   
2. "Very funny. Now give me the microphone."
   Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.
   
3. "But, first, a word on foot odor."
   Submitted by Mike Egan, Syracuse, N.Y.

Contest #214

"You want to know about snow days?"
"Frankly, you're not head AND shoulders above your competition."

The New Yorker picked:

1. "I'm afraid we need to make more cuts."
   Submitted by David Kessler, New York, N.Y.
   
2. "Please use a coaster."
   Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.
   
3. "I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement."
   Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.