johnnyktoons

One man's quest for his fifteen minutes of fame - The New Yorker cartoon caption contest...

2012-12-31T07:45:00.000-05:00

Each week, the New Yorker provides a cartoon in need of a caption. You, the reader, submit your caption, they choose three finalists, and you vote for your favorite. Any U.S. resident age eighteen or older can enter.

Enter the caption contest here.

Contest #318...

2012-01-15T18:06:00.001-05:00

What lame-brain scheme have you hatched this time, you dumb cluck!

Contest #317...

2012-01-08T18:10:00.001-05:00

Contest #316

2011-12-26T17:25:00.001-05:00

This place was like heaven before The Cloud!

Contest #315

2011-12-18T20:28:00.001-05:00

"And to think I was such a fan of his frozen brussel sprouts."

Contest #314

2011-12-11T20:13:00.001-05:00

"Things aren't so super these days."

Contest #313

2011-12-05T07:40:00.002-05:00

I lost a sale and half my mustache because I 'unliked' them on Facebook.

Contest #300

2011-09-04T20:12:00.000-04:00

Contest#298

2011-08-22T10:34:00.000-04:00

"I was skeptical, Pierre, but you do turn a nifty double Cassoulet."

Contest #291

2011-06-12T11:41:00.002-04:00

So, I heard he caught you sexting his mistress.

Contest #290

2011-06-05T19:03:00.006-04:00

And this chart tracks your moral profit & loss.

Contest #267

2010-12-11T16:26:00.004-05:00

"Got anything that floats like a butterfly?"

Contest #265

2010-11-24T07:35:00.002-05:00

They'd like to substitute a Hemy for the baked potato.

Contest #264

2010-11-21T07:40:00.003-05:00

"Subtlety, Edna, I so miss it."

Contest #263

2010-11-14T10:01:00.004-05:00

"I'd rather have Lionel Richie dancing down here, if you don't mind."

Contest #254

2010-09-12T09:01:00.003-04:00

"I dunno, I guess I'll play among the stars."

Contest #250

2010-08-07T06:47:00.003-04:00

"Hey, how cool is this!"

Contest #236

2010-04-18T14:42:00.004-04:00

"Well, this morning you're the egg man. Two over easy and make it snappy."

Contest #234

2010-04-04T10:21:00.002-04:00

"I'm famished, too, Girl. Up for some lunch?"

Contest #222

2010-01-03T13:42:00.004-05:00

"It's a bit late now to decide you're a leg man."

Contest #221

2009-12-20T16:53:00.013-05:00

FAMILY CHRISTMAS PROJECT
"I didn't know your sister was a cellist!"
"What goes on in the kitchen, stays ...."
"She used to play at the Russian Tea Room."
"YoYo Ma cancelled at the last minute, but Mary stepped in."
"Do we need to tip her out?"
"I've said for years the song works better in 'D' Minor."
"WTF?"
"It's a fish reunion gig."
"Oh my, the drama of the daily catch."
"Is all of Europe like this?"
"Duck, Duck, Goose was always my favorite."
"Culinary artists, creative juices flowing, with nude cello."
"That catch of the day can be a wild ride."

Contest #220

2009-12-13T16:40:00.006-05:00

"Clever indeed, but I'm still ordering the enema."

Contest #219

2009-12-05T11:45:00.006-05:00

"There be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on, Sir."

Contest #218

2009-11-29T18:48:00.004-05:00

The New Yorker picked:

"So you're the infamous Sudsy Malone."
Submitted by Dave Barber, Columbus, Ohio
"Couldn't you just have had a last-meal request like everyone else?"
Submitted by William Babula, Santa Rosa, Calif.
"It says Martha Stewart once lived here."
Submitted by Laurence Lytton, New York, N.Y.

Contest #217

2009-11-23T11:57:00.009-05:00

"Look, I've embraced your stay-cation concept."

The New Yorker picked:

"Don't worry, I ate lunch more than an hour ago."
Submitted by Michael Cianfrani, San Francisco, Calif.
"My wife won't let me put one in the back yard."
Submitted by Claude Lempereur, Levittown, N.Y.
"Make yourself useful—fake some Russian and hold up a 9.9."
Submitted by Christopher Rulff, St. Paul, Minn.

Contest #216

2009-11-15T19:00:00.006-05:00

"Sorry, I couldn't tell exactly what you were dreaming about."

Contest #215

2009-11-07T08:15:00.006-05:00

"And, finally, may I remind you... no biting, hitting below the belt, or stepping on me."

The New Yorker picked:

"And, in this corner, also hailing from Chernobyl..."
Submitted by Tim Herbert, Plainfield, N.H.
"Very funny. Now give me the microphone."
Submitted by Lawrence Wood, Chicago, Ill.
"But, first, a word on foot odor."
Submitted by Mike Egan, Syracuse, N.Y.

Contest #214

2009-11-01T00:22:00.010-04:00

"You want to know about snow days?"
"Frankly, you're not head AND shoulders above your competition."

The New Yorker picked:

"I'm afraid we need to make more cuts."
Submitted by David Kessler, New York, N.Y.
"Please use a coaster."
Submitted by James Mulcahy, Thunder Bay, Ont.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get more for you in the divorce settlement."
Submitted by Rick Kaufman, Dover, N.H.

Contest #213

2009-10-25T15:47:00.008-04:00

"I'm not loving your topic sentence."

The New Yorker picked:

"They ignored your first ten. What makes you think you'll do any better with these?"
Submitted by Bob Silverstein, Scarsdale, N.Y.
"Dear ... diary ... She's ... finally ... asleep.... Oops."
Submitted by William DiDio, White Plains, N.Y.
"It needs a feisty female detective."
Submitted by Lee Neville, Niagara Falls, N.Y.

Contest #209

2009-09-27T08:30:00.003-04:00

"So I sez to the guy, go ahead, how deep can it be!"

The New Yorker picked:

"Don't worry, he's covered by Aflac."
Submitted by Grant Tate, Charlottesville, Va.
“Thank God, Fashion Week is over.”
Submitted by Dan Leciejewski, Walton, Ky.
"We all deal with divorce in our own way."
Submitted by Tom Horacek, Richmond, B.C.

Contest #208

2009-09-20T18:15:00.005-04:00

"But I thought you said either oar!"

The New Yorker picked:

“American car companies just can't make a decent hybrid.”
Submitted by Eric Prestemon, Sunnyvale, Calif.
“This would work out a lot better if we had kids.”
Submitted by Michael Fossel, Hartford, Conn.
“You know, everyone laughed at Noah, too.”
Submitted by Rachel Pleasant Chambliss, Lakeland, Fla.

Contest #201

2009-07-21T20:00:00.002-04:00

"My office is like the weather, so don't storm in here."

Contest #200

2009-07-19T02:56:00.004-04:00

"I think he's seriously pissed at you."

The New Yorker picked:

"Sir, the competition is here to discuss the merger."
Submitted by Tom Alburn, Wrightsville, Pa.
"Oh, yeah, we go way back."
Submitted by Patricia Radosevich-Coia, Reno, Nev.
"He says he is known by many names."
Submitted by George Nikas, Avondale Estates, Ga.

Contest #198

2009-06-28T10:30:00.005-04:00

"Don't you think we should pick up dames later?"

The New Yorker picked:

"That’s smart, Eddie. The first place cops look is in the trunk.”
Submitted by David Wilkner, Pawtucket, R.I.
"The instructions should have mentioned that you need a body of water.”
Submitted by Peter Bleyleben, Chestnut Hill, Mass.
"What do you mean you don't remember? Either he sleeps with the fishes or he don't."
Submitted by Tim Wibert, Okemos, Mich.

Contest #196

2009-06-07T08:18:00.004-04:00

"They're recent graduates of the Wharton School."

The New Yorker picked

“O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.”
Submitted by Todd Bearson, Arlington, Mass.
“The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”
Submitted by Brad Hodges, Dungannon, Ontario
“Relax, for them it's publish and perish.”
Submitted by David Burns, Needham, Mass.

Contest #193

2009-05-17T18:23:00.001-04:00

"I, unlike you, have never been on this end before."

Contest #192

2009-05-10T23:00:00.002-04:00

"I'm SO excited to guest as your bimbo foil tonight!

Contest #190

2009-04-26T19:00:00.000-04:00

Contest #189

2009-04-18T04:11:00.004-04:00

"You should not drive or operate heavy machinery."

Contest #188

2009-04-11T20:32:00.005-04:00

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, What ever happened to Country Joe."

Contest #185

2009-03-22T21:19:00.001-04:00

Contest #184

2009-03-15T23:14:00.001-04:00

"They didn't answer in the form of a question."

Contest #183

2009-03-08T20:13:00.003-04:00

"Ironically, you performed better in that bedroom."

Contest #182

2009-02-23T19:58:00.002-05:00

"Excuse me, the felines are going vertical again."

Contest #181

2009-02-22T08:00:00.009-05:00

"I suppose it's standard Classical fare, but we're still thinking inside the box these days."

Contest #180

2009-02-07T18:35:00.001-05:00

"I'd say Workingman's Dead is my favorite."

Contest #179

2009-02-01T18:02:00.005-05:00

"Mr. Obama was quite persuasive about affordable health care."

Contest #178

2009-01-25T18:42:00.007-05:00

"Joni Mitchell called me a rambler and a gambler
and a sweet-talkin' ladies man, but the judge called me a crook."

Contest #177

2009-01-18T19:37:00.008-05:00

"Let's put it this way, balance might be a secondary issue for you."

Contest #176

2009-01-11T20:24:00.009-05:00

"Justice can be messy."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

"For a divorce case, that went smoothly."
Submitted by Ann Seger, Chicago, IL
"Sorry about that—new gavel."
Submitted by Tommy Bryant, Cochran, GA
"This is what I get for convicting the janitor."
Submitted by Sita Chandrika Palepu, New York, NY

Contest #175

2009-01-04T16:11:00.005-05:00

"He's fluent in fifteen sports."

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

"In this economy, you have to let the vacation come to you."
Submitted by Michael Soskis of Cambridge, MA
"He has recreational A.D.D."
Submitted by Mark Kane of Bayside, NY
"He's pretty much up for anything."
Submitted by Kevin Kozee of Marietta, GA

2009-01-01T08:02:00.002-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

from the incredibly witty folks at johnnyktoons

Contest #174

2008-12-16T16:46:00.012-05:00

"Don't you sometimes just want to sleep in?"

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

"I want to live at my dad's."
Submitted by Sean Delaney of Stanardsville, VA
"No, thanks—I only eat them on reality shows."
Submitted by Sean Lee of Brooklyn, NY
"Am I in your dream or are you in mine?"
Submitted by Joe Sherlock of Omaha, NE

Contest #173

2008-12-14T17:17:00.008-05:00

"Competence. Bah, humbug !

Here's what The New Yorker selected:

"Who would have thought they'd actually give money to a bank!"
Submitted by Michael Jensen of New Rochelle, N.Y.
"At the next bailout, let's also ask for a pony."
Submitted by Lynn Tudor of New York, N.Y.
"Did you send your thank-you card to Congress?"
Submitted by Harvey Kaslow of Pasadena, Calif.

Contest #171

2008-11-30T18:31:00.009-05:00

"They're seasonally popular - synchronized high-kick gams."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

"I'd suggest you keep them away from the gingerbread men."
Submitted by Vincent Coca, Staten Island, N.Y.
"It's not disturbing until someone wants to buy them by the ounce."
Submitted by Steve Arrowood, Oceanside, Calif.
"I did the choreography myself."
Submitted by Donovan Reeve, Ypsilanti, Mich.

(jk: I'm sorry, but I disagree!)

Contest #170

2008-11-23T21:36:00.010-05:00

"I decided to cash in my 401(k) while it was still worth something."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

"I miss the cash bonuses."
Submitted by Robert Becker of Northford, CT
"I am useless until I have my morning turkey."
Submitted by Corey Lowney of Wappingers Falls, NY
"I was actually hoping for a boy."
Submitted by Antonia Boyette of Los Angeles, CA

Contest #169

2008-11-16T18:28:00.004-05:00

"I'm so into flying Southwest."

Here's what The New Yorker picked:

"What makes you think I wouldn't be up for sushi?"
Submitted by Neal Svalstad, El Cajon, Calif.
"Remember the Alamo—now, that was a foreclosure!"
Submitted by David Blume, New York, N.Y.
"I can't say for sure, but I think the airline mixed up my luggage."
Submitted by Mark Ashton, Elmhurst, Ill.

Contest #168

2008-11-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Contest #159

2008-09-07T21:20:00.001-04:00

"Because it's IMPORTANT!"

Hump you very much....

2008-09-03T18:23:00.000-04:00

Contest #158

2008-08-31T22:29:00.000-04:00

Contest #157

2008-08-24T07:38:00.001-04:00

"We call it highest definition."

Contest #156

2008-08-10T00:02:00.006-04:00

So, my haberdasher says, "You've got the ankles for them, Marvin, go for it!"

Contest #155

2008-08-03T06:58:00.005-04:00

"I know you hate Kansas, honey, that's why we're all here."

Contest #154

2008-07-27T18:02:00.011-04:00

"Alas, we were a complicit board."

Contest #152

2008-07-06T06:54:00.001-04:00

"Marco!"

Contest #151

2008-06-29T20:56:00.006-04:00

"The college boards is our Super Bowl."

Contest #149

2008-06-08T16:05:00.006-04:00

"I thought I'd might as well go ahead and JUMP for your love."

Contest #148

2008-06-01T16:34:00.001-04:00

"Did the perpetrator have any unique characteristics, Ma'am?

Contest #147

2008-05-25T16:36:00.002-04:00

"Objection. Mammal.

Contest #146

2008-05-18T16:37:00.003-04:00

"It says here that you're easily drawn.

Contest #145

2008-05-11T16:39:00.000-04:00

Contest #143

2008-05-04T16:40:00.001-04:00

Contest #142

2008-04-20T17:11:00.004-04:00

"This is me. Anyone wanna share a cab up to accounting?"

Contest #136

2008-03-09T05:18:00.003-04:00

"Sage advice, you old bird, to spend our stimulus checks on Hillary."

Contest #135

2008-03-02T05:31:00.000-05:00

Contest #134

2008-02-25T22:29:00.004-05:00

"You've lost that lovin' feeling, whoa, that lovin' feeling."

Contest #133

2008-02-17T23:11:00.001-05:00

"Hey, how 'bout them Giants!"

Contest #132

2008-02-03T17:48:00.000-05:00

Contest #131

2008-01-25T22:39:00.000-05:00

"Looks like no golf today, honey."

Contest #130

2008-01-20T06:58:00.000-05:00

"I've had worse suitors."

Contest #129

2008-01-13T19:15:00.001-05:00

"I think he's just a metaphor."

Contest #128

2008-01-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

" I suppose they could have mentioned it."
"Yes, I have."
"Remember when he was just a little guy, relatively speaking?"

Contest #127

2007-12-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

"I swear, I've not seen a sole, Officer."

Contest #126

2007-12-16T12:38:00.000-05:00

"Hey, I've only got twenties, do you have a ten and two fives?"

Contest #125

2007-12-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

"Joe Torre had incentives in his contract, Honey."
My advisors feel that position warrants additional compensation, Honey.

Contest #123

2007-11-25T19:10:00.000-05:00

Contest #121

2007-11-11T19:18:00.000-05:00

Contest #118

2007-10-21T04:52:00.000-04:00

"Cloud Nine certainly does't live up to the hype, does it?"
"But at least you got to the playoffs."

Contest #112

2007-09-09T10:49:00.000-04:00

"Perhaps it's the merlot, but I suddenly feel like the last guest at Phil's parties."

Email from the New Yorker re: cartoons....

2007-08-29T08:36:00.000-04:00

Greetings again, captioneers! Make this guy laugh, and you’re halfway to winning the cartoon caption contest …Well, not quite halfway, but closer. So, as a public service, what follows is an introduction to, and a little “Q. & A.” with, the new Assistant to the Cartoon Editor, Farley Katz. Our topic— the art and science of choosing winning captions. Who knows? The next winner might be yours. Good luck! See you in The New Yorker, Michael Shaw

Question and Answer with Farley Katz

Q. Name and job title?
A. My name is Farley Katz and I am the Assistant to the Cartoon Editor (that would be Bob Mankoff).

Q. (Have to ask) Were your parents big fans of Farley Granger?
A. Huge fans. Why?

Q. So am I! Small world. Any biographical information you’d care to divulge?
A. I grew up in San Antonio, TX and am now 22 years old. My previous jobs include a roller coaster operator at Six Flags, and a telemarketer (until they made telemarketing illegal). I plan to work here until they make caption contests illegal, sometime later this year.

Q. What are the main duties of the Assistant to the Cartoon Editor?
A. Bob makes me read all the cartoons he deems "too funny" to protect him from laughing attacks.
Also Xeroxing. A whole lot of Xeroxing.

Q. Interesting. Are you also the primary gatekeeper for the Caption Contest?
A. That’s correct. Every week we receive between 6,000 and 10,000 captions for each cartoon. And I read them all. I’m reading one even as we speak…”No Mrs. Feldspar, I’m interested in your mind, not your shoe size.” Hmmm...good but not great.

Q. Did your predecessor or Bob give you any advice when looking through the responses?
A. My predecessor stared me in the eyes and warned me that reading too many captions in one sitting could make a man crazy. Oh, and also to "pick the funny ones."

Q. After a while isn’t it difficult to decide what’s funny? Do you say to yourself—“#4,347, sort of funny. #4,348—sort of but not quite funny enough?”
A. I've developed a system of sorting algorithms that allows a laptop to pick the finalists without any human input.

Q. Really?
A. Yes and no. What actually happens is that when each entry is received it’s sorted by keywords. The keywords are grouped into 5 or 6 categories. Then I sort through all the one-liners, zingers, gags, goofs and gaffes, looking for the very best—which I pass on to Bob.

Q. Uh…you had me, and then you lost me.
A. Take, for example, a recent contest cartoon depicting crash test dummies. All entered captions were broken into keyword groups like “insurance,” “driving,” “crashing.” So at that point it’s easier to read them and make the best choice.

Q. What if I decide to send in a caption in Esperanto?
A. All the unique captions are grouped together in a category we call “Huh?" "Huh?" captions have indeed made the finals. No Esperanto yet, though.

Q. Have you experienced "caption fatigue" yet?
A. Caption fatigue is a serious problem. I like to combat it by drinking unhealthy amounts of coffee and by reading the captions aloud in a fast, high-pitched voice.

Q. What happens after you pass the 50 or 60 semi-finalists onto the second round?
A. That’s when Bob Mankoff, as Cartoon Editor, summons his decades of expertise in the science of humor and chooses the three finalists. Then David Remnick, as Editor of The New Yorker, reviews the final three to ensure that even Eustace Tilley would grin slightly when reading the entries. Then I take a nap under my desk. It’s from these three finalists that we invite our readers to choose a winner.

Q. Did you ever enter the caption contest before joining the home office?
A. I entered the contest once and they didn't choose my caption. But that's all going to change now because I can't enter anymore because it's against the rules.

Q. You weren’t a Canadian citizen at the time you entered the contest, were you?
A. No.

Q. (aside) Whew! Good. If a contestant added the name "Farley" to their caption, would that help? Or if they left a little message before the caption, like "Hi, Farley! How's it going?"
A. The only way to make sure your caption passes the cut is by writing the funniest one.

Q. Finally, in the spirit of full disclosure, you're a cartoonist correct? And if you get a cartoon in the caption contest before I do, I'll be really depressed.
A. I am a cartoonist too and hope to one day be published in the magazine.

So when send in your caption this week, take a moment and ask yourself “What would Farley do?” Probably drink more coffee. Good luck!

Contest #110

2007-08-20T11:04:00.000-04:00

Contest #108

2007-08-05T20:43:00.000-04:00

Contest #104

2007-07-01T06:21:00.000-04:00

"Heaven used to be so safe back in the day."

Contest #103

2007-06-30T06:20:00.001-04:00

Contest #102

2007-06-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

"He revels in the role of Pompous Master."

Contest #101

2007-06-03T06:39:00.000-04:00

"I too live my life on the edge, but I choose to do it metaphorically - in lingerie."

Contest #100

2007-05-27T21:41:00.000-04:00

"I lived in Oregon for a spell, so this is no biggie."

Contest #99

2007-05-20T16:39:00.000-04:00

"I understand you're a cow-boy, ba-by."

Contest #98

2007-05-13T20:23:00.000-04:00

johnnyktoons

One man's quest for his fifteen minutes of fame - The New Yorker cartoon caption contest...

Contest #318...

Contest #317...

Contest #316

Contest #315

Contest #314

Contest #313

Contest #300

Contest#298

Contest #291

Contest #290

Contest #267

Contest #265

Contest #264

Contest #263

Contest #254

Contest #250

Contest #236

Contest #234

Contest #222

"It's a bit late now to decide you're a leg man."

Contest #221

Contest #220

"Clever indeed, but I'm still ordering the enema."

Contest #219

"There be a whole lotta shakin' goin' on, Sir."

Contest #218

Contest #217

"Look, I've embraced your stay-cation concept."

Contest #216

"Sorry, I couldn't tell exactly what you were dreaming about."

Contest #215

"And, finally, may I remind you... no biting, hitting below the belt, or stepping on me."

Contest #214

"You want to know about snow days?""Frankly, you're not head AND shoulders above your competition."

Contest #213

"I'm not loving your topic sentence."

Contest #209

"So I sez to the guy, go ahead, how deep can it be!"

Contest #208

"But I thought you said either oar!"

Contest #201

"My office is like the weather, so don't storm in here."

Contest #200

"I think he's seriously pissed at you."

Contest #198

"Don't you think we should pick up dames later?"

Contest #196

"They're recent graduates of the Wharton School."

Contest #193

"I, unlike you, have never been on this end before."

Contest #192

"I'm SO excited to guest as your bimbo foil tonight!

Contest #190

Contest #189

"You should not drive or operate heavy machinery."

Contest #188

"I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, What ever happened to Country Joe."

Contest #185

Contest #184

"They didn't answer in the form of a question."

Contest #183

"Ironically, you performed better in that bedroom."

Contest #182

"Excuse me, the felines are going vertical again."

Contest #181

"I suppose it's standard Classical fare, but we're still thinking inside the box these days."

Contest #180

"I'd say Workingman's Dead is my favorite."

Contest #179

"Mr. Obama was quite persuasive about affordable health care."

Contest #178

"Joni Mitchell called me a rambler and a gambler and a sweet-talkin' ladies man, but the judge called me a crook."

Contest #177

"Let's put it this way, balance might be a secondary issue for you."

Contest #176

"Justice can be messy."

Contest #175

"He's fluent in fifteen sports."

"You want to know about snow days?"
"Frankly, you're not head AND shoulders above your competition."

"Joni Mitchell called me a rambler and a gambler
and a sweet-talkin' ladies man, but the judge called me a crook."

" I suppose they could have mentioned it."
"Yes, I have."
"Remember when he was just a little guy, relatively speaking?"

"Joe Torre had incentives in his contract, Honey."
My advisors feel that position warrants additional compensation, Honey.